SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar. OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning. CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning. CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October. WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls. SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog. NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage. UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows. MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years. CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp. MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet. NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls. MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing. COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6. LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening. LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling. OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb. A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies. BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded. BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price. COMPACT - Tiny. COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants. DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible. DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base. EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid. EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain. FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle. LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned. MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it. OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed. PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer. PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years. QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town. RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else want's it. SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works. SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price. SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle. UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door. UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof. UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway. USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet. WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors. WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.